Well im back with another conspiracy theory, and this one may get me locked up in a padded cell, but i refuse to be gagged, ill do my best to uphold the consiprasists code of never shutting up!
Lady Gaga errks me, i can forgive a young girl acting stupid, or a spoilt brat acting like a spoilt brat but Gaga is something else, she annoys me like a grown man using paint by numbers, or a kid throwing a tantrum in a supermarket because mum wont add the Milo to the shopping cart.
The conspiracy you may ask ? That Lady Gaga is a fictionary character created to sell records, a young girl lured into a music executive's limmo with a bag of candy ...
Gaga version 2.1 as she will now be known, is nothing but a cyborg, assembeled by music executives, here is the recipe ...
Ingerdients:
1x young vain girl with ambitions out weighing integrity
2x money hungry parents
2x music executives (with car rental until 1st single is released)
1x music producer with an auto produce button on his computer
1x stylist ? Oops did i say stylist ? 1x porn producer
15x kids to inflate ego
Method:
1. Take 2 music executives and mix with money hungry parents and stir
2. Add young girl without integrity and let sit for a week
3. Allow Gaga 2.1 to sit with music producer for 24 hours
4. Add a topping of porn sized proportions ....
5. 15 groupies then added to ensure ultimate ego is grown
Result:
You tell me ... a b or c ?
a. Fraud
b. A CONSPIRACY WORTH POSTING!
c. A 26 year old skunk who grew up too fast and needs to grouch less!
Ill pay anyone who doesnt answer with "c" ....
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A Bushfire Thankyou ...
Well its been a pretty hectic week over here down under, i opened my newspaper about 3 days ago and was told that on the 6th of Feb i was living in the hottest place on the planet, ten degreese hotter than Africa's serengetti ...
3 days later I open my newspaper to find over 130 people wiped out because of the fires. I live right across from the bushland and its a scary thought to think that flames 50 metres high could be seen in other places around Australia, my area was lucky, others were not.
Reading through some of the personal stories in the paper and written elsewhere, its pretty traumatic just reading them, let alone going through what some of these people have been through. I wont elaborate on any of them, if you want to read any www.smh.com.au has a number of stories and updates.
Three more things before i sign off, firstly, addressing the people who deliberatly light fire's, in particular the people who lit the ones this week, i was happy to read that once caught they will be up for murder charges, and for those who think they wont get caught, Australia has the worlds best fire investigation units in the world who's sole job it is to track down these people. They are very good at there job, and they will find you.
Addressing the fire fighters, not that any of you will probably get this message, but just a quick thankyou for your tiresome work, if i could get over there and help out i would, tho i know id just get in the way and make your job harder, so i just wish you all the luck in the world.
Finally, PETA, its at times like this that i absolutly loathe some of the things you do, spending money on silly advertisements asking for models not to wear fur, or suggesting people eat less meat, right now its a time where an organisation like you could realy do something productive, because as i type, there are hundreds of thousands of animals needing evacuation, needing water, needing medical care, and just needing someone to give a damn about them.
Ok well thats my bitch for the day!
Im out ...
3 days later I open my newspaper to find over 130 people wiped out because of the fires. I live right across from the bushland and its a scary thought to think that flames 50 metres high could be seen in other places around Australia, my area was lucky, others were not.
Reading through some of the personal stories in the paper and written elsewhere, its pretty traumatic just reading them, let alone going through what some of these people have been through. I wont elaborate on any of them, if you want to read any www.smh.com.au has a number of stories and updates.
Three more things before i sign off, firstly, addressing the people who deliberatly light fire's, in particular the people who lit the ones this week, i was happy to read that once caught they will be up for murder charges, and for those who think they wont get caught, Australia has the worlds best fire investigation units in the world who's sole job it is to track down these people. They are very good at there job, and they will find you.
Addressing the fire fighters, not that any of you will probably get this message, but just a quick thankyou for your tiresome work, if i could get over there and help out i would, tho i know id just get in the way and make your job harder, so i just wish you all the luck in the world.
Finally, PETA, its at times like this that i absolutly loathe some of the things you do, spending money on silly advertisements asking for models not to wear fur, or suggesting people eat less meat, right now its a time where an organisation like you could realy do something productive, because as i type, there are hundreds of thousands of animals needing evacuation, needing water, needing medical care, and just needing someone to give a damn about them.
Ok well thats my bitch for the day!
Im out ...
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Worlds Best Complaint Letter
Some may have already seen this, but i thought the guy realy hit the emotional mark needed in a complaint letter he wrote to Sir Richard Branson.
What do you think ?
--------------------------------
Dear Mr Branson
REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008
I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.
Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.
[see image 2, above].
I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.
Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: 
[see image 3, above].
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation: 
[see image 4, above].
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.
Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
[see image 5, above].
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: 
[see image 6, above].
Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.
My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: 
What do you think ?
--------------------------------
Dear Mr Branson
REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008
I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.
Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.
Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].
I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?
You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:
[see image 2, above].I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.
Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
[see image 3, above].Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:
[see image 4, above].It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.
Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
[see image 5, above].I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
[see image 6, above].Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.
My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:
[see image 7, above].
Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.
Richard. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.
So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.
As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.
Yours Sincererly
XXXX
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Im glad im not him ...
Who said blogs dont have ad's ... they do now!
I was watching old House re-runs on tv & came across the beauty!
Needless to say its the greatest commercial Australia has ever made!
Big call, but it beats the damn AAMI b*tch ....
I was watching old House re-runs on tv & came across the beauty!
Needless to say its the greatest commercial Australia has ever made!
Big call, but it beats the damn AAMI b*tch ....
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Pepe's 2009 Outlook
For those who may not have gathered, my life revolves around a few simple things, soccer and movies ....
Oh and pigging out on Pringles!
2009 looks to be a good year for all three areas of my life, so here's a list of what ill be enjoying this year in each subject ...
MOVIES
1. Terminator Salvation : Sam stars with some guy named Christian Bale.
2. X Men Origins - Wolverine : It has my fave x-men character in it, Gambit!
3. Transformers 2 : Same cast, same director, hopefully not the same outcome!
4. Avatar : Sammo's back again with J Cam! ...
5. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus : Stellar Cast!
6. Funny People : Forget Adam Sandler ... Eric Bana doing comedy! He's home atlast!
7. Role Models : I think this already played in the USA, but it comes out next week here.
SOCCER
1. Bolton FC sacking Megson
2. Bolton FC missing out on a relegation battle
3. Aston Villa taking the 4th place Champions League spot
4. Australia's World Cup Qualification
5. Scoring more than 5 goals this season in my local comp!
PRINGLES
1. Salt & Vinegar
2. Original
3. BBQ
4. All other's ...
Oh and pigging out on Pringles!
2009 looks to be a good year for all three areas of my life, so here's a list of what ill be enjoying this year in each subject ...
MOVIES
1. Terminator Salvation : Sam stars with some guy named Christian Bale.
2. X Men Origins - Wolverine : It has my fave x-men character in it, Gambit!
3. Transformers 2 : Same cast, same director, hopefully not the same outcome!
4. Avatar : Sammo's back again with J Cam! ...
5. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus : Stellar Cast!
6. Funny People : Forget Adam Sandler ... Eric Bana doing comedy! He's home atlast!
7. Role Models : I think this already played in the USA, but it comes out next week here.
SOCCER
1. Bolton FC sacking Megson
2. Bolton FC missing out on a relegation battle
3. Aston Villa taking the 4th place Champions League spot
4. Australia's World Cup Qualification
5. Scoring more than 5 goals this season in my local comp!
PRINGLES
1. Salt & Vinegar
2. Original
3. BBQ
4. All other's ...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Matt's Miss List Of 2008
Ok im a bit late with this list but who cares, its not like i have thousands of fans waiting on this post or anything, here is my miss list!
for those wondering what a miss list is, its a list of all the things i hated, disliked, things that annoyed me or peeved me to no end, and WTF moments ....
In no particular order
Rob Schneider
Mike Meyers
Twilight,see a real vampire film, watch "Let the right one in"
Tv channel's axing shows after only a few episodes
Lady GaGa's weird lightning on her face
My car breaking down all the time
Australia (The Film, yes how unpatriotic of me!)
MTV yes that includes The Hills! Especialy The Hills!
Paris Hilton
David Archueleta
David Archueleta's dad
David Archueleta's dad's stupid hats
The writers strike
People bragging in a facebook status
Youtube pop up ad's
Hollywood's dodgy remakes!Day The Earth Stood Still? Come on!
The New X Files Movie, a psychic pedofile preist ??? Come on!
Madonna
Stephanie Rice
Liverpool FC
My bank balance
2day FM
The removal of the MacD's Big Breakfast from the menu
My video store late fee outstanding balance
My memory
Rappers talking politics
Politicians talking politics
I kissed a girl and i liked it .... OVERPLAY!
Fall Out Boy .... OVERPLAY ONCE AGAIN!
Anything with an "i" infront of it, iphone, ipod ....
The HD vs Blueray war ... thank god i bought the playstation 3!
Reality TV Show Judges & Hosts
Australian Film for greenlighting so many art house flicks!
Speed Racer (The movie)
Trekkie Hype
Beyonces Single Ladies dance
Kath & Kim The US copy
Kath & Kim the AUS original
A year without the Chaser Boys
I didnt want Sarah Barellies to write me another love song
Jolie and her tribe of children
Josh Pykes giant guitar boat
Fosters Beer, you give Australia a bad name! Drink Cascade!
The guy who axed Eli Stone, may you burn in hell ...
Orlando Bloom, for stealing my future wife Miranda Kerr from me!
And finaly a special mention to the film "The Black Balloon", also known as the stupid Australian arthouse flick everyone praised ... why ? Because apparently if you throw a retarded child into a film and hire Toni Collette to play the mother, nothing else matters ... script ? who cares! story ? who cares, we have Toni !
Im sure more will come to me after i post this, ill update later.
Feel free to complain, but if you do ill just add you to the 2009 list!
Im out!
Pepe
for those wondering what a miss list is, its a list of all the things i hated, disliked, things that annoyed me or peeved me to no end, and WTF moments ....
In no particular order
Rob Schneider
Mike Meyers
Twilight,see a real vampire film, watch "Let the right one in"
Tv channel's axing shows after only a few episodes
Lady GaGa's weird lightning on her face
My car breaking down all the time
Australia (The Film, yes how unpatriotic of me!)
MTV yes that includes The Hills! Especialy The Hills!
Paris Hilton
David Archueleta
David Archueleta's dad
David Archueleta's dad's stupid hats
The writers strike
People bragging in a facebook status
Youtube pop up ad's
Hollywood's dodgy remakes!Day The Earth Stood Still? Come on!
The New X Files Movie, a psychic pedofile preist ??? Come on!
Madonna
Stephanie Rice
Liverpool FC
My bank balance
2day FM
The removal of the MacD's Big Breakfast from the menu
My video store late fee outstanding balance
My memory
Rappers talking politics
Politicians talking politics
I kissed a girl and i liked it .... OVERPLAY!
Fall Out Boy .... OVERPLAY ONCE AGAIN!
Anything with an "i" infront of it, iphone, ipod ....
The HD vs Blueray war ... thank god i bought the playstation 3!
Reality TV Show Judges & Hosts
Australian Film for greenlighting so many art house flicks!
Speed Racer (The movie)
Trekkie Hype
Beyonces Single Ladies dance
Kath & Kim The US copy
Kath & Kim the AUS original
A year without the Chaser Boys
I didnt want Sarah Barellies to write me another love song
Jolie and her tribe of children
Josh Pykes giant guitar boat
Fosters Beer, you give Australia a bad name! Drink Cascade!
The guy who axed Eli Stone, may you burn in hell ...
Orlando Bloom, for stealing my future wife Miranda Kerr from me!
And finaly a special mention to the film "The Black Balloon", also known as the stupid Australian arthouse flick everyone praised ... why ? Because apparently if you throw a retarded child into a film and hire Toni Collette to play the mother, nothing else matters ... script ? who cares! story ? who cares, we have Toni !
Im sure more will come to me after i post this, ill update later.
Feel free to complain, but if you do ill just add you to the 2009 list!
Im out!
Pepe
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